Here’s a (Q) Tip for You

A friend of mine once gave me a bit of advice that made no sense to me then, and now, ten years later, still makes no sense. “Don’t put anything in your ear larger than your elbow.”

What?

How big are your ears? Or how small is your elbow? And even if one would fit inside the other, how in the world do you get your body to bend like that?

So as I often do, I’ve ignored that advice. I guess I like to learn things the hard way.

But because my ears get dirty, and because—let’s be honest—it just feels good, I’ve continued to use Q-tips to clean my ears.

Sidenote: I’d like to avoid using brand names, but when I tried to think of the generic name for a Q-tip, I drew a complete blank. I Googled (<--brand name) it and found that they’re called cotton swabs, which just doesn’t sound right to me. So I’ll continue to call them Q-tips. Maybe someday I’ll try to squeeze some advertising compensation out of the Q-tip folks.

Not once have I reconsidered my decision, nor am I willing to admit that I’m addicted to Q-tips (which I probably am). I’m a proud cotton swabber (that sounds sort of dirty), and my ears are eternally grateful.

With my friend’s elbow-and-ear advice in mind, I recently went on the Q-tips website, wondering if they’d heard such advice. And much to my surprise, it seems they have!

At the top of the Q-tips website is a link wittily entitled “Tip Jar.” Click on it and you’re brought to a page with a menu on the side that describes all the uses of Q-tips.

I didn’t know they had any uses besides cleaning inside my ears!

Apparently, they’re quite the versatile tool though. The menu is divided into Beauty, Arts & Crafts, Baby, Home and Pets. That’s five uses! And even more surprising, each of those uses have sub-uses. Under beauty they have: Eye, Skin, Lip, Nail and On-The-Go tips. And each of those have sub-uses.

Oh for the love of God!

The only mention of using Q-tips to clean ears is a tip to gently swab the outer ear and avoid entering the ear canal. Sure, then I’ll rub some cheesecake on my cheek, but not let it enter my mouth!

No thank you! I’m a rebel damnit, and I’m going to keep sticking that Q-tip in my ear.

Before you think I’m some idiot who doesn’t mind if he punctures his eardrum, you should know that I’m a very skilled inner ear cleaner. I didn’t go to college for it or anything, but years of practice allow me to recognize the precise threshold within my ear beyond which I cannot let the Q-tip pass.

This ear cleaning stuff isn’t for amateurs!

The folks at Q-tips must think that we’re all amateurs though, judging by how deeply they buried the Q-tip-in-your-ear use on their website. Isn’t that sort of like Crest saying that you can use toothpaste to remove beet stains from your hands, or to prevent fogged goggles, or to clear up pimples, but mentioning its teeth-cleaning abilities as an afterthought?

Okay, so maybe no one ever went deaf from brushing their teeth with toothpaste. Still we’re talking common use versus we-don’t-want-to-get-sued use.

Do the people at Q-tips also really read Playboy for the articles?

Since I always look for verification of my ridiculous ideas, I did a brief search and found that there actually are reasons why cleaning my ears with a Q-tip feels so good. The ear canal contains a whole slew of nerve endings, so rubbing that Q-tip on those nerve endings feels good. Unfortunately, it turns out that cleaning my ears with a Q-tip removes wax, some of which is necessary to protect the ear against dust and other bad things.

NPR even did a story on it. And of course they interviewed some “expert” who thinks he knows what he’s talking about just because he happens to be a doctor (oh wait!), and he says not to use Q-tips in your ears.

Warnings noted.

And ignored.